Lately, we had a trip – a trip that can really detoxify your inner self, it’s a trip to kind of refresh your mind, get out of the city and breathe fresh air from the sea. It’s something that is to spoil myself after all the things that I’ve been through.
I have been vocal about the things that are happening in my life, as I make my life an open book, I always talk about things on social media and here in my blog. It’s sometimes tough because we are meant to do stuffs that will inspire people and make them enjoy the contents that we make, although I don’t really consider this as a work but rather more of a hobby or something that I really want to do, whether I like it or not, there will still be a point where I tend to pressure myself to have a better content which my readers will enjoy. But in the end, you can’t fake things, if you really are not into it, if you can’t be in that picture, then just don’t do it because it will just make things worse. And that’s the reason why I stopped blogging for a while. I’ve been really focused on myself which includes studying, my personal life, my friends, my boyfriend and many more things, lately. I dealt with so many issues the past few months which made me want to stop interacting with people, but, I still read my e-mails(kind of), I still read some feedbacks from my readers and I do appreciate those who appreciate the things that I am doing and I am very much thankful to all those who e-mailed me asking what happened why I’ve been MIA and trying to tell me that whatever I’m going through, everything’s surely gonna be fine. I am not anymore gonna talk about those issues detail by detail, but all I can say is, I’m still working on it, I am still trying to figure things out and find myself, because I definitely lost track. I can say that I am in a happy place, I am in a positive surrounding, I am surrounded by people who won’t judge me and talk things about me, I am feeling so loved by the small circle of friends that I have, I enjoy every little time that I have with them. It’s really hard to battle with anxiety plus depression and your own insecurities, especially if you are losing people that you once thought will be there for you, no matter what happens.
You know that feeling where you want to sleep and you try to close your eyes but then, as you close your eyes, thoughts are starting to get inside your mind and you are starting to see darker things which then leads you to just staying awake and crying. It’s so difficult that you want to stay positive and you want to be happy all the time but there is something that’s trying to hold you back, and you want to remove that, you want to get rid of it, but the problem is, what is this such thing that’s trying to hold me back? Is it really the people surrounding me? Or the things inside my head? The toughest battle that you will face is the battle with yourself, the tougher part is that, you want to seek help, but you don’t know what kind of help you need, you don’t know how they’ll be able to help you and get you out of that situation, in the end, it will still be you who will help yourself.
Every single day for me is like a show, a show where I wear a mask and go out. It feels like, I wake up, I wear my mask and then let everyone see that I am totally fine, that I have no problems bugging me, that I am just so happy, and that I enjoy things. I hate it that just for you to be able to temporarily escape from those things, you have to pretend in front of so many people. You have to fake those laughs and smiles. But you know what hurts the most? It’s when you start removing your mask at night. It is so easily removed that in an instant, you will be changed for who you really are and what you really feel. At the end of the day, you will be there just right by the corner of your dark room, hugging a pillow and holding your mouth trying to stop the noise of your cry. It’s tough and it’s really hard, the hardest battle that you will face is that battle against yourself. No one else will be able to help you but you. You just have to keep holding on and surround yourself with so much positivity. Be with the people who loves you the most and will surely be there with you throughout the battle, they may not be able to help you, but at least, you know that there will be people who will stay by your side and cheer you up until you get better.
So, I deserve that trip, I can say. I deserved to somewhat chill out and forget all those problems and just focus on me, being happy, genuinely happy. I am so thankful to everyone who stays by my side even if sometimes I know I am way too hard to handle and understand. I want to thank you guys, my readers, for the constant support and for making sure that I am doing just totally fine, I do massively appreciate all those e-mails and I just want you to know that I will try my very best to reply to all of you, as soon as I get okay, I love you guys with all my heart, and thank you for the super super super super massive support here. All the love, x.
Go over and watch it here: